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The Newest Jokes



Marriage Humor (Clean)
Current Rating: 4.72


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Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

She’s a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo’s fiancee

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe- Jackie Mason

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. — Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher…and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.- Mae West

[the authors of the following are not known]

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.



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